Reframing for Forgiveness

Father Miles O’Brien Riley, PhD, in his audiobook, Forgiveness…Is the Gift You Give Yourself, states that his 40 years work as a priest and listening to confessions have now lead him to believe that the three people that are the hardest to forgive are:

1. Our parents
2. God
3. Ourselves

I resonate with his observations. My own work with a group of writers in our community’s Writing for Health group prompts me to add one more challenge to the list of major forgiveness concerns: our children-in-law.

Here is a forgiveness strategy that you can use regardless of “who” is the hardest to forgive on your own list of candidates: reframing. This technique works by focusing on a person who irritates you or otherwise “wounds” you repeatedly.

One friend told me that she was recently realized that her irritating and challenging was a very very good wife to her son and an excellent mother of her grandchildren. She suddenly realized that her daughter-in-law was a gift in disguise.

Try this exercise:

1. Take a person who constantly irritates you.
2. See the person in your mind. Let them act out past actions in the theater of your mind.
3. Make a list of what you see that is good and bad.
4. Write how and why you cherish what you see as “good.”
5. Then tackle the “bad.” Are there any gifts in disguise there?

Keep writing until you identify a gift in disguise. Then write a short thank you note to the offending person. Remember that this is a part of your on-going personal writing practice. So don’t send you thank you note. Tear it up, burn it, or save it in a safe place. Keep it personal.

The Journey to Forgivenss

Healing after trauma includes many steps and stages. One of the most important is the need to forgive when the time comes that such an act is not only feasible but necessary. Towards that end, I am working on a new book, The Forgiveness Prescription.

The book is based on three major assumptions:

• Not forgiving impedes healing and contributes to the suffering of chronic disease and pain.
• Forgiveness is always possible but seldom happens overnight.
• Forgiveness is a trainable skill.

The book will give the reader seven keys to forgiveness. These include:

1. Become Awake and Aware
2. Learn to Reframe
3. Practice Gratitude
4. Harness Your Anger
5. Live the Golden Rule
6. Engage in Lovingkindness
7. Live in the Here and Now

You can help. Please contribute your thoughts and stories in the comment section of this blog OR if you prefer, just email me with your contribution at: DrTspeaks@gmail.com.