Reframing for Forgiveness

Father Miles O’Brien Riley, PhD, in his audiobook, Forgiveness…Is the Gift You Give Yourself, states that his 40 years work as a priest and listening to confessions have now lead him to believe that the three people that are the hardest to forgive are:

1. Our parents
2. God
3. Ourselves

I resonate with his observations. My own work with a group of writers in our community’s Writing for Health group prompts me to add one more challenge to the list of major forgiveness concerns: our children-in-law.

Here is a forgiveness strategy that you can use regardless of “who” is the hardest to forgive on your own list of candidates: reframing. This technique works by focusing on a person who irritates you or otherwise “wounds” you repeatedly.

One friend told me that she was recently realized that her irritating and challenging was a very very good wife to her son and an excellent mother of her grandchildren. She suddenly realized that her daughter-in-law was a gift in disguise.

Try this exercise:

1. Take a person who constantly irritates you.
2. See the person in your mind. Let them act out past actions in the theater of your mind.
3. Make a list of what you see that is good and bad.
4. Write how and why you cherish what you see as “good.”
5. Then tackle the “bad.” Are there any gifts in disguise there?

Keep writing until you identify a gift in disguise. Then write a short thank you note to the offending person. Remember that this is a part of your on-going personal writing practice. So don’t send you thank you note. Tear it up, burn it, or save it in a safe place. Keep it personal.

The Journey to Forgivenss

Healing after trauma includes many steps and stages. One of the most important is the need to forgive when the time comes that such an act is not only feasible but necessary. Towards that end, I am working on a new book, The Forgiveness Prescription.

The book is based on three major assumptions:

• Not forgiving impedes healing and contributes to the suffering of chronic disease and pain.
• Forgiveness is always possible but seldom happens overnight.
• Forgiveness is a trainable skill.

The book will give the reader seven keys to forgiveness. These include:

1. Become Awake and Aware
2. Learn to Reframe
3. Practice Gratitude
4. Harness Your Anger
5. Live the Golden Rule
6. Engage in Lovingkindness
7. Live in the Here and Now

You can help. Please contribute your thoughts and stories in the comment section of this blog OR if you prefer, just email me with your contribution at: DrTspeaks@gmail.com.

New Resources Available for Professionals Working with Victims of Intimate Partner Violence

Three new resources are available for professionals working with victims of Intimate Partner Violence at the Aequitas Resource Center:

• Intimate Partner Violence Victims Charged with Crimes:
  Justice and Accountability for Victims of Battering who use Violence Against their Batterers
  By Jeffrey P. Greipp, Toolsi Gowin Meisner and Douglas J, Miles
• A Prosecutor’s Resource:
  Medical Evidence and the Role of Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners in Cases Involving Adult Victims?
  By Jenifer Markowitz
• Model Policy for Prosecutors and Judges on Imposing, Modifying and Lifting No Contact Orders
  By Jennifer G. Long, Christopher Mallios, and Sandra Tibbets Murphy

You can access these documents at: www.aequitasresource.org/library.cfm

Writing Scholarship Available for Survivors of Trauma and Abuse

PRESS RELEASE for immediate release

CONTACT: Ellen Taliaferro, MD   650-393-3660

The 2011 San Francisco Writers Conference Announces
a Writing Scholarship for Survivors of Trauma:
The Ellen Taliaferro, MD, Scholarship
Dedicated to the Restoring Good Health after Trauma

Survivors of trauma and abuse—and the advocates and professionals who support them—can all apply for a full scholarship to the 2010 San Francisco Writers Conference (February 18th-20th, 2010) where they will have their non-fiction writing recognized and reviewed by literary agents and publishing houses.

San Francisco, CA—10/XX/2010—The 2011 San Francisco Writers Conference has been endowed a remarkable scholarship that will shine a light on the lingering health consequences for victims of trauma and abuse.  The Ellen Taliaferro, MD, Scholarship Dedicated to the health and recovery of victims of Trauma and Abuse will be awarded to a writer who is writing as a survivor of trauma or abuse or an advocate or professional who is working with them.  The scholarship will pay for a full registration to the 2011 San Francisco Writers Conference to be held February 18 –20, 2011 at the InterContinental Mark Hopkins Hotel.  The scholarship will include a private appointment with a nonfiction editor and agent.  There will be a small stipend to partially cover travel and accommodations.

Writers who wish to apply for the scholarship must submit a 250-word explanation of why they want the scholarship, four (4) pages of their work in progress, and a single-page proposal outline for their project. The story can be written as a personal story, memoir, nonfiction book or novel.  Contact information, including an email address, must be included with the entry.  The deadline for submissions is December 23,2010.  There is no entry fee required. Entries for The Ellen Taliaferro Scholarship for Survivors of violence and abuse must be directed electronically to Ellen Taliaferro, MD via email at DrTSpeaks@gmail.com.

All submitted entries for the scholarship will be considered for the scholarship if they meet the following criteria:

• Each entry will consist of four items:

• An email stating your name and contact information and the last four numbers of your social security number or your phone number for identification purposes.
• A 250-word explanation of why you want the scholarship
• Four (4) pages of your work or proposed work in progress
• A single-page proposal outline of your project

• Each page must have one inch margins and a header or footer that contains your chosen four (4) digit number
• Use a 12 point standard font for all documents
• Use 1.5 spacing for the four-page submission of your work in progress
• Do not put your name on any item submitted other than your entry email.

Deadline for submission of your entry is December 15, 2010.

For questions about the scholarship, contact Dr. Taliaferro at 650-393-3660.

The 2011 San Francisco Writers Conference will take place February 18-20, 2011 at the InterContinental Mark Hopkins Hotel.  Donations from individuals and companies (including John Wiley & Sons) also make scholarships available each year for Bay Area high school

To learn more about the 2001 SF Writers conference, click here.

Why You Shouldn’t “Just Get Over It” When Bad Things Happen

The hurts of life, like the wounds of the body, take a toll in pain and your ability to live normally. Deep tragedy and loss deserve the same respect as a broken limb.

When a patient with a broken leg presents to the medical system, the care is pretty much the same:

• Address the pain
• Reduce and immobilize the injured area
• Rest the area
• Let the body’s miraculous and and wonderful healing system take over.

Note that there is no place here for ignoring the pain and moving on as though the injury never happened to begin with. The advice to “just get over it,” mantra of well-meaning family and friends has no place here. Indeed, it is even dangerous advice. “Just getting over it” skips the important steps of “getting through it” so that you can resolve your injury and become a more whole person.

Turn your attention back to the case of the broken leg. A patient who jumps out of bed and starts dancing on a newly broken bone puts their injured leg at risk. Indeed they may end up with a broken bone that heals crooked, fails to mend, and threatens their ability to ever walk again with a normal gait.

So it is with the deep wounds and hurts of life that ache deep in your soul and rob you of the passion and joy of being alive and contributing. There are healing strategies for moving through the pain of life wounds. What works for one might not work for another. Here are some things to try out for your own healing journey:

• First, take the time to heal and recover your balance
• Read about others who have been through the same thing.
• Talk to a trusted friend or counselor
• Get a journal and “write your way” through it.
• Last, have you been through some bad things and have recovered and come out even stronger, please use the comment section of this post to share your story and journey.

Bad things do happen to good people. And when the good people choose to get through it and rebuild, they often end up better than before. Susan J Brison was right on in her book, Aftermath: Violence and the Remaking of a Self, when she told the story of a group leader who told a group of rape survivors, “You will never be the same, but you can be better.”

So true. The choice to being better or residing in a state of permanent victimhood is all yours.

Mark Your Calendar

The Chadwick Center proudly announces the 35th year anniversary of the founding of the Center and our 25th celebration of the Annual International Conference on Child and Family Maltreatment. Below you will find a short description of the conference, contact information, and a link to download the informational and registration brochure.

Title:  The 25th Annual San Diego International Conference On Child and Family Maltreatment

Dates:  Saturday, January 22 through Friday, 28, 2011

Venue:  Town and Country Resort & Convention Center, www.towncountry.com

The San Diego Conference focuses on multi-disciplinary best-practice efforts to prevent, evaluate, investigate, treat, and prosecute child and family maltreatment.

The objective of the San Diego Conference is to develop and enhance professional skills and knowledge in the prevention, recognition, assessment and treatment of all forms of maltreatment including those related to family violence as well as to enhance investigative and legal skills. Issues concerning support for families, prevention, leadership, policy making and translating the latest research into action are also addressed.

Read more about the conference and download the brochure: http://www.sandiegoconference.org.

If you have any questions about the conference and/or would like to know more about the conference in detail please contact sdconference@rchsd.org or phone (858) 966-4972.

Judy Nelson

Faculty, Conference Coordinator

Chadwick Center for Children & Families

Rady Children’s Hospital-San Diego

A New Resource for Evaluating Strangulation Injuries?

Prosecution of strangulation as a domestic violence assault challenges prosecutors. Half the time, strangulation survivors have no neck markings. In the remaining 1/2 of survivors, approximately 2/3rds of them have only minimal findings. This means that only about 1/3rd of survivors with neck markings have neck markings that can be photographed to show signs of the assault. Said another way, of all survivors of strangulation as a form of assault:

1. 50% have no findings
2. 35% have minimal findings that are so faint that they cannot be visualized in photos
3. 15% have significant findings that can be visible in photos taken of the neck

Now a new technique called alternative light source technology may be about to change all of that. See: www.baltimoresun.com/health/bs-md-als-dv-20100902,0,2655642.story

Excellent New Resource Collection on Strangulation

Today I got an email from the American College of Emergency Physicians (ACEP) Section on Forensic Medicine with this comment  and request: “We are encountering more violent strangulation victims in our DV population. I have been unsuccessful finding clinical guidelines for imaging/admit protocols for victims of significant strangulation as I try to objectify the approach to these vicitms for my ED partners”

This email prompts this post for two reasons:

• Do you have a protocol that you would be willing to share with other providers? If so, please email me at DrTSpeaks@gmail.com
• If you are in need of a good resource site for strangulation, please visit the Family Justice Center Resource Center by clicking here.

As always, comments and questions regarding this issue are most welcome.

Strangulation As A Youthful Activity

Alas, the “choking game” is back as an activity for 8th graders in Oregon. The “choking game” goes by several names including:

• Knock Out
• Space Monkey
• Flatlining
• The Fainting Game.

The object of the game is to achieve a “high” or euphoria from a brief period of hypoxia. The cost of these brief euphoric periods can be high. Strangulation, for whatever means, puts victims at risk for long-term disability as well as death. In 2008, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported that 82 deaths attributed to the “choking game” or other forms of strangulation activities occurring between the period of 1995 and 2007.

The CDC Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report published in the February 24, 2010, issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) reports on the findings of an Oregon survey among public school 8th graders. The survey among other things was designed to assess awareness of the choking game among 8th graders as well as participation in the game.

The survey included 10,642 respondents. Of these, 73% answered the question addressing the choking game. Male and female respondents had similar responses:

• A little over a third of the respondents had heard of the “choking game”
• A little under a third of the respondents knew someone who had participated or helped someone participate in the “choking game”
• A little over 1 in 20 (5.7%) had participated in the
  “choking game”

This is the first large survey to address this issue. Previous mentions of the choking game in the medical literature came from anecdotal reports or were based on small surveys.

To learn more about the “choking game,” please visit these JAMA web pages:

• Unintentional Strangulation Deaths From the “Choking Game”
• “Choking Game” Awareness and Participation Among 8th Graders–Oregon, 2008

An Online Reference for Manual Strangulation in Domestic Violence

Chapter 16 on Strangulation in Intimate Partner Violence by Ellen Taliafero, Dean Hawley, George McClane, and Gael Strack in the Connie Mitchell, MD book, Intimate Partner Violence: A Health-Based Perspective, can now be accessed by clicking here. This is the first major, major textbook on a health-based perspective of Intimate Partner Violence. As noted in one of the editorial reviews of the book, “All in all, this is an excellent book, a major compilation and unique in its approach. It is highly recommended for anyone seeking to further the complex phenomena of intimate partner violence.”–PsycCRITIQUES”

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